I have this insatiable hunger and it makes me hunt for answers to things I don’t understand. You see, I have no stable axiom on the state of human consciousness after death and that terrifies me deeply. You’d think I’d have given up by now but my search history would prove that I’m a desperate, relentless but still desperate existential sophophile .
My dad and I are cut from the same cloth in our curiosity in unraveling mysteries of the universe, he has read a good portion of both religious and spiritual books and writings. Among other spiritual literature, he owns a very thick Grail message testament he has read more than twice. He has tuned into the radio every Sunday evening after attending Catholic mass earlier in the day to listen to a preacher with a very depressing tone orate about the truths of the “Grail Movement”. It always pissed my stonge Catholic mom off for sure. While I explored the phase of complete abandonment of Western beliefs I asked him about Alekwu; an Idoma approach to spirituality and why he didn’t take it seriously he referred me to his professor friends and resources , soon enough I discovered it was a tad misogynistic and if I’m being honest a little scary. But, hey, it was worth a try. He turned 70 two years ago, which was a celebratory milestone for sure. But you know what wasn’t as celebratory? My sudden hyperawareness of existence and the frailty of human life. I watched him lose his parents, his siblings and his friends over the course of twenty years and that does something to a person , he’s grown lonelier and more quiet than he used to be and a little more desperate for some sort of truth. More recently , he has taken a purely Catholic approach to guide him down his search for truth as opposed to the hedonistic ways of his younger days.
I, however, pick and drop philosophical labels like hot akara; I mean, I’ve called myself a secular humanist, atheist, agnostic, spiritualist and of course a nihilist, anything really that appeals to my train of thoughts at any given time. Still I find myself at odds with whatever truth I’ve been offered and I prefer not to be left in the dark. How does one reconcile that? Eternity is a hell of a long time to either commit myself to singing hallelujah or burning in an infernal underground because I can not meet standards I consider superhuman (More grease to the elbows of those who do though). The thought of my essence just floating in a void of darkness doesn’t appeal to me either, please my energy is too lit for that shit. Reincarnation? It sounds like it’ll definitely get boring at some point so love and light to those who find that appealing but I’ll pass. I find mind is also too interesting and debatably optimistic to unashamedly accept nihilism so no thanks.
As much as I’d love to know the exact state of what lies beyond I’ve begun to accept that fraying the fabric of the cosmos is an endless and somewhat futile process. But in all my uncertainty, I know this for sure; I know that I love life, I’m absolutely in love with being alive, I love making inappropriate jokes with my friends. I love setting goals and reaching them, I love learning and experiencing new cultures, music and lifestyle. I love the taste of food in my mouth but I don’t like having to burn the calories though. I love shaking ass and rapping off-key to Megan thee stallion . I know I want to live a long, healthy and happy life. Regardless of whatever and wherever the afterlife is, I hope we don’t feel stuck or judged or alone. I hope we find each other once again and that we find more freedom and choice than we ever had on earth. A simulation with stronger gin to drink without having to worry about my liver and my stoner friends lungs. That would be my absolute dream. I also hope we get to love with as much freedom and depth as we can explore, without shame or fear. We certainly don’t do enough of that on this existence we find ourselves in, so why should death or an afterlife be any different? If anything , I hope that you reading this , you make a choice to transcend any blockages that are stopping you from truly living and confessing your love whether it be for a person, passion, place, lifestyle, art whatever it is . It’s a somewhat simplistic albeit optimistic wish. Granted, we cannot control everything, but right now wherever and whatever you find a modicum of freedom, joy and laughter , I dare you to go for it without restraint, while we still find ourselves under this same sky and maybe one day we won’t care where or what we are anymore and it’ll be like we never stopped living.
